Myth: “I Am Not Good Enough” --- BUSTED

FROM THE SERIES

LIVE YOUR DREAMS:
Doctor’s Orders

Revealing Evidence Of Why This Myth Is False And How You Too Can Discover And Start Your Own Unique Custom-Fit Business

Samuel Gerstein, M.D.

Foreword by JACK CANFIELD,

Chicken Soup for the Soul

Amazon Kindle Edition

Stories From the Book: Live Your Dreams: Doctor’s Orders

More Praise…

“Dr. Gerstein introduces us to 40 individuals who have accomplished the impossible to reach profound success. It is through the guidance of those who have traveled the path before us that we can learn to achieve our own life dreams. This book is a priceless treasure of tried-and-true wisdom for all ages.”

Nido Qubein, President, High Point University,

Chairman, Great Harvest Bread Co.

✦

“Dr. Gerstein has shown us, through many real examples, how we can convert dreams from aspiration to reality. If you have a dream, but have not realized it yet, read this book and inspire yourself to action!”

Dr. Lance Secretan, Author, ONE:

The Art and Practice of Conscious Leadership.

✦

“The people in these stories will serve as role models for anyone who wants to live their dreams.”

Robin Sharma, #1 Bestselling author of The Greatness Guide.

✦

“You can change your life or your attitude towards your life. We are all capable of change when we have the desire and intention to do so. This book can help coach and guide you and show you that reinventing yourself is possible.”

Bernie Siegel, MD, Author of 365 Prescriptions

For The Soul and Prescriptions For Living

✦

“It’s one thing to dream. It’s another thing to have your doctor help you turn your dream into success. Read Live Your Dreams: Doctor ’s Orders and your dreams may come true.”

W. Mitchell, C.P.A.E., Author of It's Not

What Happens to You, It's What You Do About It.

Myth: I Am Not Good Enough --- Busted

Copyright 2018 by Dreams for Real Inc. All rights reserved. Printed in Canada. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. For information address Dreams for Real Inc., 5863 Leslie Street, Suite 316 Toronto, Ontario, Canada M2H 1J8.

www.dreamsforreal.com

Gerstein, Samuel, 1957-

Myth: I Am Not Good Enough --- Busted / Samuel Gerstein.

1. Small Business and Entrepreneurship (Business) I. Title.

This book is dedicated to my parents who gave me the opportunity to explore my dream, to my wife, Michelle, who believed in my dream and supported me every step along the way, and to my children, Ryan and Casey, so they will know that their dreams are real.

Contents

Disclaimer

Foreword of Live Your Dreams: Doctor's Orders by Jack Canfield

Introduction

Dr. Samuel Gerstein, M.D., Business Coach

Doug Sole

Charles Marcus

Susan Regenstreif

Elaine Overholt

Conclusion

Myth Busters:

Doug Sole - Drum Circle Facilitator, Professional Speaker, and Retail Music Store Owner

Charles Marcus - Professional Speaker

Susan Regenstreif - Music Specialist and Teacher

Elaine Overholt - Vocal Coach and Singer

Disclaimer

This book was written with the intent of expanding people’s awareness of what is possible in the world of work. All of the stories of the people in the book are true accounts of their working lives up to the time of the interviews that were used as the foundation for the research for the book.

The lessons that are related by the people in the book, as well as by Dr. Gerstein, are the opinions of the aforementioned authors. This book gives no guarantee of success or of reproducing any of the results achieved by the people interviewed for this book by following the lessons outlined in the text. In fact, one of the key concepts in the book is that people’s life directions are as unique as the people themselves. No one can tell you what to do. That comes from within. Use this book to stimulate your own thought process of what may be right for you.

Every effort has been made to make this book as complete and accurate as possible. However, there may be mistakes both typographical and in content, therefore, the text should be used as a general guide and not as the ultimate source for career guidance.

The purpose of the book is to educate and entertain. The author and publisher assume no liability for any loss or damages alleged to be caused by the contents contained in the book. Please consult the appropriate professionals to obtain specific information regarding your personal situation.

Foreword of Live Your Dreams:
Doctor's Orders
by Jack Canfield

In our first Chicken Soup for the Soul book, I tell a story of visiting the Temple of the Golden Buddha in Thailand. I was astounded to learn that this awesome solid-gold Buddha smiling down at us had been covered by a thick layer of clay for hundreds of years.

Historians believe that Siamese monks applied the clay to keep their precious treasure from being looted by an invading army. Unfortunately, it appears that all the monks were killed by the invaders, and the well-kept secret of the golden Buddha remained intact until 1957 when the statue had to be moved. To everyone’s shock some clay fell off, and when the startled head monk applied a hammer and chisel, he discovered the sold-gold treasure underneath.

As we flew home I thought to myself, “We are all like that Buddha, covered with a shell of hardness created out of fear. Yet underneath, each of us is a ‘golden Buddha; a ‘golden Christ’ or a ‘golden essence’ which is our real self. Somewhere between the ages of two and nine we begin to cover up our ‘golden essence.’ Much like the monk with the hammer and the chisel, our task now is to discover our true essence once again!”

In “Live Your Dreams – Doctor’s Orders” - Dr. Gerstein does a superb job of exposing the true golden essence of forty ordinary people who all found a way to overcome their fear, chip off the clay and go for their dream. And after each story, he provides tips on how you, the reader can do it too.

There are many books out there today on how to achieve your dreams and find success. In this book Dr. Gerstein shows us what can happen when those principles are actually applied. By going beyond the tired theories of how to ‘find a good job,’ he opted to shoot for the moon and found example after example of people actually living their dreams at work. Based not on money, but on passion, joy and fulfillment - their dreams are no fantasy, but fully realized. Today, all of them are doing what they love, and their diverse and very individual stories show us all what living your dream can actually look like.

Too often in today’s society we stop short of the dream. Instead, we focus on decreasing our pain, managing our stress and treating our illnesses. But why do we stop there? After all, good health is so much more than simply a lack of illness. It is a vitality for life, an abundance of energy that is our birth right. Good health is a good attitude, a strong body and a vibrant mind.

Dr. Samuel Gerstein walks his talk. As you will see from his personal story which begins the book, he was feeling the effects of work stress himself several years ago. His own journey of self discovery led him to his dream of helping others find theirs. I believe this book will inspire you to do the same. Read it if you are feeling lost, or if your work has little meaning. Read it if you are dissatisfied with or hate your job. Read it if you have given up hope that the majority of your adult life spent at work will ever be enjoyable or fulfilling.

One of the best ways to learn anything new is through the use of role models. Dr. Gerstein has provided us with forty powerful role models in people who overcame their fears and all the reasons why they ‘couldn’t,’ and through dogged determination and creative resourceful-ness found a way to achieve their dream. And because we are all unique, the wisdom and inspiration in this book can be utilized as much by a confused young high school senior as a by disgruntled senior manager of a large downtown firm.

When Mark Victor Hansen and I created Chicken Soup for the Soul, our mission was to heal and change the world one story at a time. I am moved by the forty very special stories Dr. Gerstein has found and given to the world. They are an inspiration to all people who want to live their dream. It’s a book that is meant to be read, absorbed and acted on. If you are tired of ‘settling’ in your life, see yourself doing what these people have done, and know that if they can do it, so can you.

Jack Canfield

Co-author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul® series and

Author of The Success Principles™

Introduction

The belief that that you aren’t good enough is a myth that has been passed around so often that may simply take it as fact. These are only the echoes of voices from parents, teachers, coaches, friends, culture, and media that you internalized at a young age. Remember that how someone treated you and the names they called you were more about them than you. They were more likely projecting their own sense of unworthiness onto you and you were too young to reject their offer.

They may be the principles you have erroneously adopted as truth. Now is the time to separate fact from fiction.

This “I am not good enough” myth also encompasses other myths like…

“I am not smart enough”

“I am not pretty enough”

“I am not strong enough”

“I am an imposter”

… you get the picture.

When my clients sheepishly confess this to me, I often ask them, “compared to whom?”

There is a concept called the red- and blue- ocean strategies. It deals with the business you choose. Businesses that play in the “red” ocean often compete for existing customers and they often end up lowering their prices just to grab more market share. It is akin to sharks fighting each other in a bloody battle (hence the term “red”). It is not a pretty sight nor a good business strategy.

The same kind of logic applies to the person choosing a business because it is popular and not because it is a good match for their passions, purpose and pure talents. When they are thrown into a very large population where their talents don’t shine, it is as if they are fighting off the competition in a big red ocean.

However, businesses like Amazon and Cirque du Soleil created their own “blue oceans” because they started their business in a new market. There was lots of food and little competition in these waters. And when you pick a business that is a custom-fit to your own passions, strengths and talents and you choose a niche market that is a best match with those, you now become a big fish in a calm, smooth blue ocean. You can create new demand and capture new markets.

Bill Gates may have been a nerd in high school but his star shone bright as a computer wizard. But imagine putting Oprah Winfrey in charge of computer programming at Microsoft. She would likely flounder. But put her as a TV host interviewing people in a warm, compassionate way as only she can do, and she flourishes. (As a side note, Oprah was fired from her news anchor role before she got her own TV show because she wasn’t able to demonstrate her incredible people skills in that role. It was a bad match for her as she was swimming in the ‘red ocean’.)

The wonderful thing about the internet/information age is that there has never been an easier time to in the history of the world to choose the size of your blue ocean. Because of how social media gathers information about people, you can use online demographics and psychographics to niche your target market to anything you like.

In the following stories, you will meet people who, like you, doubted their value. When they discovered their own unique set of passions, strengths and talents, and found a market that needed what they had to offer, they flourished. You can do it too because EVERYONE has their own custom-fit passions, purpose and pure talents.

Each of these inspiring individuals had to overcome at least one major challenge. To name a couple, Doug Sole was floundering in his musical life quest until he found the courage to face his demons. Charles Marcus had a terrible stuttering problem. Unbelievably, instead of bemoaning his fate, he found a way to use this to his advantage.

They debunked the myth that they weren’t good enough. How did they do it? The answers are in the details of the stories. I also pick out one key lesson from each story to help you apply it to your own life.

You are not alone in your quest for living your dream. The only difference between the people in this book and you may be that the former group have found their Dream Business and taken the baby steps in their journey and you haven’t yet. Their fires are burning strong and yours maybe simmering embers. Let the people in this book help rekindle your own inner flame. See how they overcame their struggles, and by association, let them show you how you can overcome yours.

They did it. Now it’s your turn.

Follow Your Dreams

Sam Gerstein

Dr. Samuel Gerstein, M.D., Business Coach

The Author’s Story:

As an emergency physician it was my job to help people in pain. I had been doing that for fifteen years, doing the very best I could for my patients. At times I overlooked my own pain, and ignored the growing void inside of me, hiding behind a façade that everything was going well. However, the longer I ignored it, the larger the void became, and the harder it became to ignore it.

I now understand a universal law: The universe has lessons to teach everyone. If you don’t get the lesson the first time it will increase the intensity of the lesson until you have to pay attention. I finally got my lesson when the universe sent a startling coincidence onto my path.

In his bestselling book The Celestine Prophecy, author James Redfield speaks about nine insights the human race will discover as it enters the era of spiritual awareness. The first insight is to pay attention to mysterious coincidences. He says once you interpret these sudden, synchronistic events, they will lead you to your destiny. I don’t know about the validity of all the insights he suggests, but I have witnessed some startling scenes of synchronicity in my own life, as well as in the lives of the people whose stories I share in this book.

About nine years ago I realized I was growing frustrated at work and wanted something more. I had seen so much despair in people who had given up on themselves, and I knew I could do more for them. This angst carried over to my family life where small things began to irritate me. I knew this because one summer while on vacation I found myself in a heated argument with my wife Michelle, over a seemingly negligible matter. I was on a break for some R&R, and here I was arguing and upset over some small matter. Maybe I didn’t really need a break. Maybe what I needed was to scratch that itch that had been nagging at me for some time.

I told Michelle I had felt myself to be very tense lately, and maybe a massage would help relax me. Prior to that I had received maybe two paid massages in my life, so it certainly wasn’t a part of my routine. Years before someone had told me about a specific spa downtown. We had tickets to go to a Blue Jays baseball game the same day so, on the spur of the moment, I made a reservation to go to that particular spa right before the game. Michelle took advantage of my plan and made an appointment herself for a manicure, pedicure and facial.

After my massage and while waiting for my wife, I went to the counter to pass the time. I picked up what looked like an interesting book, bought it and promptly headed to the hot tub to begin reading. I couldn’t put it down and was almost a prune when I emerged.

The book was called Passionate Longevity, by Elaine Dembe, and the concepts in the book enthralled me. In it she talked about the life lessons of elderly people as they looked back over their lives. They spoke about what was truly meaningful for them, and about things they would and wouldn’t do if they had the chance to live over again.

We went to the ball game, but I couldn’t take my mind off that book and how it related to my life. Was I really doing what I wanted? Would I regret it when I was in my eighties? I couldn’t tell you the score of the game, but I finished the book the next day. I was so inspired I wanted to call the author and speak with her. Now there were dozens of books on spirituality, personal development and motivation in the bookstores at the time, most of them by American authors. I could have chosen any one of those best sellers in the spa that day but it was hers I picked up. When I read that the author worked and lived in Toronto not far from me, I was floored.

I contacted Elaine immediately and she happily agreed to speak to me. It happened that I was suffering from some back pain at the time. It turned out that Elaine was also a chiropractor, and one very energetic lady. I met with her several times for my back, and also to talk to her about my frustrations. She suggested I explore two centres in the United States to continue my journey. When I received their brochures, one course stood out above the rest so I signed up for it immediately. It was called Lifeshaping, and was a big factor in how I changed my life.

The content and facilitator of the course were excellent. However, it was as much about me being ready to hear the message that was instrumental in changing my life direction. That old Buddhist saying, when the pupil is ready the teacher appears, really is true. Over the next two summers I ended up assisting and then co-facilitating the course with its creator, Ingrid Brendenburg, and that was what got me started on the path to what I am doing now.

I decided to start listening to my heart and begin doing what feels good and right to me. It only made sense that if I wanted others to do that, I should be doing it myself. My intention was to not evaluate myself on the results as I have done for so many things in my life, but rather to simply enjoy the process.

In the transition period I began taking extra courses that interested me. I didn’t have a specific plan; I just followed where my passions led me. I took a psychology course in NLP – (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) and became a master practitioner. I took an Adult Education Facilitation course, joined a Toastmasters Club and became a local member of CAPS – the Canadian Association of Professional Speakers in Toronto. I also had fun doing some improvisational acting at Second City. Over the next three years I juggled these extracurricular activities while continuing to work in the ER, and spending time with my young family. I simply trusted I was moving in the right direction because I was following my heart.

I began reading more of Dr. Abraham Maslow’s and Dr. Carl Roger ’s theories of self-actualization, and about people reaching their full potential and how they did it. Somewhere in there I began writing material to help people follow their dreams.

Shortly thereafter I dug into my savings to create my own company, Dreams For Real Incorporated. For the first four years our family cut back on some nonessentials like vacations, and I picked up some extra shifts in the ER to help with the expenses.

After having worked in socialized medicine for so long I knew I had to become skilled in the world of business. I took marketing courses to help me promote my seminars and my professional speaking services. They showed me ways to make my own dream real, and turn it into a viable business. I gave free speeches to several community service organizations like the Rotary Club. I did my first no-fee seminar out of my home. The anxiety I felt before the seminar was nothing compared to the exhilaration I experienced after it was done. I would never have known that if I had just sat back and hoped it would happen. I had to actually take action.

I did a lot on my own, and I take great pride in going after my goal and achieving it. But I soon realized I would go a lot further, a lot faster if I had help. Besides, it would be more fun having others with whom to share my experiences. I began asking for help.

I started a Mastermind group comprised of like-minded people who had information they wanted to share with others. Whenever I felt frightened or worried I opened up to them. I was no longer hiding behind the façade that everything was going well. Besides, no one had ever believed it anyway. I had just been fooling myself, and was really afraid to admit I had challenges too. I found that just naming them and

talking about them in front of my friends was a huge relief. The people in that group have been a tremendous resource for support and assistance.

I soon realized I could not do it all, and began delegating parts of my business I had no interest in. For me this included computer and web-based issues and publishing. I focused on what I loved – writing about living your dreams and helping other people do it.

Despite all of this, I realized something was still missing. This time I was conscious to the message, and paid attention. I had woken up. Through my work I was now delivering to people a lot of important information and techniques, but I was lacking key role models for following one’s dreams. As Yogi Berra said, “You've got to be careful if you don't know where you're going 'cause you might not get there.”

From my patients, I had many role models for the mental and physical effects of work stress. But I realized I had very little in the way of what dreams look like in the real world once they’ve been manifested and realized.

That was it! That was the missing ingredient. I knew I had to go out and find people who were living their dreams and get their stories before I could really show others how to do it. It made so much sense. To the naysayers, they would be living proof that it was possible. To the curious, they would be an enigma. And to the people who were secretly or openly interested in living their own dreams, they would be a roadmap.

And so I began what I didn’t realize would become a huge undertaking. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I interviewed over two hundred people, over a hundred of which were formal meetings. I drove to wherever they worked or lived, at any hour that was convenient to them. My journey took me to many corners of Toronto and its neighbouring cities and towns. Each and every person I met inspired me in some way, and I knew they would inspire others too. It took me two-and-a-half years to complete the interviews, and another year-and-a-half to transcribe them and write this book. I did this work around my family times and while continuing my ER duties at the hospital. I enjoyed every minute of it.

Pouring over the notes I had taken, I teased out the key common themes to how the people who were living their dreams had actually done it. Once that was done, I put it all together in a program, and then used that program to overhaul my seminars. It also became the cornerstone for setting up my own psychotherapy practice, where I help individuals overcome their personal struggles to follow their own true path.

My biggest obstacle was there was no roadmap to follow to do this. Unlike medical training, there was no curriculum to follow and no test with which to measure my competencies. There were weeks when I didn’t have any leads for where I would find the next person to interview in their dream business. I was often disappointed and dejected. At those times my wife would step up to the plate and reassure me this was only a temporary lull. My Mastermind group was a tremendous support as well.

What kept me motivated was my belief in what I was doing, and my enthusiasm to help others live their dreams. I have witnessed so much despair in my years at the hospital, and I’ve been so saddened watching people give up on themselves, not realizing they could live their life by following their own script. I would think of the quizzical looks on the faces of the people I asked about their dreams – people who had never even been asked what they wanted, who had been told what they should be doing. I knew it wasn’t right, and they could be so much happier if they were true to themselves. I refused to let my despair win, and I vowed not to give up.

On my good days I remembered the other side of the coin of not having a set path to follow. I reminded myself I could be creative and follow my own instincts. I was not hamstrung by other people’s agendas. I was free to do what I thought was best for my clients. The obstacle that I was facing, having no roadmap or set course to follow, was inherently also a benefit.

I can say in all honesty that I now feel more complete in my vocation as a doctor – as a healer. I help people both proactively and reactively. I know that in stress-related diseases there is often a five- to ten-year lag time between emotional distress and the physical manifestation of that stress. I feel that I now have more balance in my life, and I’m more at peace with myself. I know I am doing what I love because no one has to tell me to do it.

I look forward to creating better techniques to help people achieve their Dream Goals. After working in the ER and playing with my young children, I often work in my home office for hours some evenings. It is definitely a labour of love. I also know it is a good fit because I continually talk to my wife about ideas I have for such and such a seminar or book. Sometimes I forget that it’s my dream and not hers. Sometimes I go on a tad too much – to the point where she is the one needing a break from my dream. I am having so much fun I don’t even consider it work.

It took me forty years to hear the true message of what my heart had been whispering to me all along. It was a “coincidence” that woke me up. You can bet that I have been paying close attention ever since.

“Dreams without action are fantasy. Actions without dreams are empty. Dreams combined with actions manifest one’s destiny.”

Samuel Gerstein

Doug Sole

Drum Circle Facilitator, Professional Speaker, and Retail Music Store Owner

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”

Eleanor Roosevelt

“I was curled up in a fetal position and I didn’t want to get out of bed.”

When I was four years old I went to see my father play in the symphony orchestra. I clearly remember sitting in the front row of the balcony with my mother and two older sisters. First, the place went dark. Then, as the hall fell silent, the maestro walked onto the stage, raised his arms to bring the orchestra to readiness, and then pointed his baton right at my father who stood behind the kettle-drums. I gasped inside, and as soon as my dad struck the first note of the drum crescendo that begins O Canada, I felt a surge of energy inside of me. The moment was electric. Leaping out of my chair and pointing to my father I yelled with excitement, “That’s my Dad!” There was laughter, and my sisters and my mum shushed and tried to pull me back down, but I didn’t care. Then, the entire audience came to their feet with me and began to sing O Canada.

For the rest of the concert, every time I heard my father accentuate the music with the drums I felt a surge of energy that brought me to a peak of excitement. I was mesmerized; it was the emotional focus of the entire evening for me. I really feel the reason I remain so excited today about drumming is because of that magical moment when the energy of the kettle drum first filled the room – and I was there.

With my dad as my inspiration, music became the focus of my entire life. I wish I could say it was that easy, but I had a major hurdle to overcome before I could claim my destiny. I had to face unknown demons head on.

My dad put himself through university playing drums in a band. Although his career was a pharmacist, music was a passionate pastime that permeated his life. He sang in the church choir, played the organ when the organist was sick, played drums in bands, and he played percussion with the local International Symphony Orchestra. Tuesday evenings were symphony practice; performances were Sunday afternoons. I loved Sunday afternoons because I got to listen to him play. From my father I inherited a fervent love of music, which I played and studied throughout my formative years.

I started with piano lessons when I was five. By the time I was in grade nine I had achieved my grade eight piano, which actually gave me a high school credit. Studying the piano gave me an appreciation for the classics, the history of music and how important it was in many cultures.

When I finished high school I was accepted to study music at Humber College. I got a part-time job at Canadian Tire, but I wanted to be around music so much, I quit that job to teach private drumming lessons on the weekends. So it was music, music, music, twelve hours a day. I totally immersed myself in music.

After graduating I played full-time for a while in a percussion ensemble. Then I auditioned and was selected to play for an established rock band, New Hollywood. I left all of my musical connections behind and toured with this group for three years in Ontario, Quebec, and the Caribbean. As the only classically trained musician in that band I was often asked to help the piano and guitar players write out their parts for any new song we played. It was a fun top-forty group, but it didn’t do anything for my soul, no pun intended. I really needed to be more creative. So, after discussing my intentions and the future needs of the band, the bandleader and I both knew it was time for us to part company. Playing in the rock band taught me a lot about the music business, but I also learned that it wasn’t for me. There was so much more I could be doing in music.

What to do next? I knew I had to stay close to music, so I got a job selling pianos, and did that for a couple of years. I knew this wasn’t my dream, and yet somehow I believed if I stuck with it and stayed close to music, I would find a way to make my dream come true. I had no idea how, I just had faith that it would. Everything I did all seemed to be part of a journey linked together by a common theme of music.

During this period I reconnected with some of my former drumming students. One day I went with some of them to help them buy drums. When I came out of the drum store, I had a job selling drums. My thinking was I would meet other drummers who would then help me with my career. I came out of that experience with ideas for a book on hand drumming. It was the needs of my students that helped me frame the principles of my book, The Soul of Hand Drumming. My dream was starting to come together.

One day, one of my students approached me and said, “I take drumming not for the sake of drumming, but because I feel better about myself when I finish a lesson. While I’m drumming, you always get me to think about my life, my direction and my relationships.” I have found that drumming helps people focus on the present because, to play well, you have to clear your mind of all other clutter.

I was helping others, but deep down I knew I had to clear my own clutter before I could break through my major barrier – a huge fear of not being good enough.

I had studied music all of my life. I had played in several groups. I taught music and was writing a book on drumming. I had more than enough tools in the box. But my tool box had a major leak. I believed I wasn’t worthy of being successful in the music industry, and this belief was holding me back.

While writing my book on hand drumming, I said to myself, “Who am I to write a book about hand drumming? Cripes, I grew up in a small town in Southwestern, Ontario.”

That fear was stopping me from going for my dream. It was so frustrating I wanted to scream. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t seem to find a way around it!

In the meantime, I rationalized that if I kept the book simple, it would help many people. If people didn’t like it, the worst they could do was jump on it or tear it up and that would mean it wasn’t for them anyway. That was how I dealt with it on the surface.

But to truly believe that I was worthy I needed to dig deeper. I had to go to the source of my fears. I had buried them so far down I was afraid to face them. To do this, I sought help from two psychologists. I got support from my fiancé, (who I’m very pleased to say is now my wife). I talked about my fears to good friends who really listened. I listened to tapes from Tony Robbins to help me overcome my poor self-image. All of that talking finally led to the breakthrough moment in my drumming career.

I was hired to do a drumming clinic with Anton Fig from The David Letterman Show. Yamaha Corporation of America endorsed the clinic, and was the big name used to draw people to the show. I was the ‘shmoe’ they selected to do the percussion teaching – at least that was how I thought of myself back then. My low self-worth caused me to be very focused on what Anton would think of me, instead of what my job was. I put all of this pressure on myself to make sure I didn’t make a mistake in front of Anton.

On the evening before the clinic I was practicing my hardest piece. I was playing it perfectly that night and things were really humming along. Then, just before turning in I decided to do it one more time. That’s when it happened. Right in the middle of it, I totally froze. I couldn’t think of what came next. I began to sweat, my hands grew clammy and my heart raced. My breathing became shallow. Now in total panic, I said to myself, “I can’t do this!” “Who do I think I am? Who am I fooling?”

I had to lie down. I curled up in the fetal position and stayed that way all night. I didn’t get any sleep that night. Each time I found myself dozing off I quickly remembered what I would be facing in the morning. And so it was that when the sun agonizingly rose over the horizon, I couldn’t get myself out of bed.

It was the worst feeling in my life. My dad called and told me to get out of bed. My best friend, who was teaching trombone at the same clinic, forced me to get out of bed. It took every ounce of energy for me to focus on the lessons of Tony Robbins.

I had to get my butt out of that bed and step through that wall of fear. Somehow I had to do it. This was my defining moment. If I didn’t do it then I knew I would regret that moment for the rest of my life. What got me out of bed was the realization that this was my chosen career path. I knew I would disappoint myself more than anybody else if I didn’t get up. Somehow I finally managed to pull myself up and get dressed. I was petrified.

As my friend drove us down to the show I sat in the front seat shaking like a leaf. I kept saying to myself, “I can’t do this. I can’t do this.” Backstage I paced back and forth. I couldn’t sit still. Then they announced my name. I had to decide. Should I go out there or not? It was put-up or shut-up time.

As I took those first few steps on stage I looked up and saw the large audience in front of me. I wanted to stop, but I didn’t. I kept putting one foot in front of the other. Everything became so clear. It was as if I had broken through that imaginary wall I had been holding in front of me my whole life. When the wall came down my true self emerged. You couldn’t shut me up. There was no stopping me now. I played all of my pieces beautifully. It felt so natural. And why not? After all, I had put in thousands of hours of learning and practice. I was totally focused on what I was playing.

I forgot about impressing Anton Fig while I was on stage. The irony was that right after my performance Anton walked right up to me and said, “I haven’t learned that much about percussion since I went to college. Thanks for that refresher course.” “Thank you,” I replied calmly with a smile. And then I turned and quietly screamed to myself, “Yes! I did it!”

I learned a big lesson that day. I couldn’t walk around that wall of fear. I had to walk through it and when I did, I became a free man. My confidence grew. I started to believe the audience was there because they wanted to hear me. Soon I began leading community drumming circles. After one of those events one of the participants hired me to do corporate events. He said to me, “It’s already built right into you. You are doing it naturally and I want to hire you for my next retreat as a speaker because I believe you’re an example of someone who lives their passion.”

One of those events involved speaking to a hundred and fifty off-shore oil rig drillers. “This is going to be a tough crowd,” I thought to myself. After I was introduced as “Doug Sole,” a heckler yelled out, “Sole, is this an ‘Ah-sole?” And to make matters worse, right before that the CEO had said to me, “By the way, I’m retiring right after this event; this is the last time I’ll have to address this rowdy group. Good luck.”

As I walked out I was saying to myself, “Holy %#$@! Good thing I’ve overcome some other challenges in my life. I have the experience to draw from and I know how to react now.” It was an affirmation and it helped.

The first thing I said to them was, “Yeah, well, I’ve heard that one before, and you know what? I’m glad you said ‘Ah-sole’ because my great-grandfather ’s first name was Albert. I take great pride in my great-grandfather because he spent his life serving others. His first initial was the letter A so I do come from a long lineage of ‘Ah… Soles.” Everyone laughed then, and I was able to turn a negative moment into a positive.

Soon after that I opened up my own drumming store with my business partner Paul Bailiel. For the first two years we worked eighty-hour weeks, but I really enjoyed it because I had finally found my true path.

Drumming is a lifestyle, and an extension of people’s lives. People’s personalities come out in their playing, and the lessons learned in drumming can be transferred back to life lessons. This is why drumming and corporate team building work so well together. I often use it in my team building exercises for corporations, and in the community. This makes me feel like I’m contributing to my community, but I really feel I get back much more than I put in.

Whatever energy you give to the drum it will give it right back. Whatever intention you put into the drum, whether it’s positive or negative, it will give it right back. This is what I feel about life. You can’t get anything out of life unless you contribute to it. I treat drumming like a metaphor for life. I believe I was put on this planet to serve others. This is just a part of my spiritual beliefs. It is hard for me to think of any of my experiences as failures, because I just think of them as learning experiences. They are a natural progression of what I was meant to go through to get to where I am today. The events of my Dream Business fell into place only because I kept taking the next step, regardless of how big and how frightening that next step seemed.

Sam Gerstein – Business Coach - Comments

In order to grow you have to stretch yourself.

Doug had a passion for music. You could say it was in his blood. He played, wrote and taught music for most of his life. However, at thirty-two years old he still lacked confidence in his abilities as a musician. He had to step right out into his area of discomfort before he could overcome this block.

You can study and practice and you can read all of the books written by the experts in your chosen field. But until you take it out into the world and test it, you will never achieve what you want.

Don’t get me wrong. You have to do the preparation. You have to know what you are doing or talking about in whatever area you choose. But usually that is not where the problem lies. Most of us are abundantly prepared and very knowledgeable about our respective subject matters. In fact, many of the so-called experts with acclaimed celebrity status are not the smartest or the most skilled in their field. They are just the ones who have stepped forward and taken action.

Here is a little secret – very few people are confident when they begin. When you look at the history of people basking in the limelight of fame, you will often find rocky beginnings. The sounds you hear are not the clanging of skeleton bones in the closet; they are the normal chattering of teeth coming from terrified people just starting out.

Just like Doug, begin slowly. Take small bites from the world pie. It’s great to have big aspirations but every foundation is weak when it is just being built. Nothing succeeds like success. The more you do the more you can do. To put it another way, if you don’t take a small risk and put yourself out there, you will not be able to take on the harder challenges you come across later. Challenges are really opportunities in disguise. Build on your successes in the arena where it really counts – out in the world. It will be scary at first. Take solace in the fact that you are not alone, and know that fear will put you among the greats in history.

Even Mahatma Gandhi, India’s former fearless leader, who fought for his country’s freedom with words, started his public speaking career at a snail’s pace. In his first address, he had to retake his seat after no words came from his mouth. He simply couldn’t speak, and it was an utter disaster. He didn’t fare much better his second time either. But look at what he ultimately did with his words.

You have no idea how far you will go by merely imagining what you will do. Start small. Take a risk. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable at first. In fact, I would say if you are not feeling uncomfortable you are not stretching yourself far enough. Just as your muscles get stronger when pushed beyond their normal limits, your courage and mental toughness will also be fortified when you push yourself beyond your comfort zone.

Charles Marcus

Professional Speaker

“And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Marianne Williamson

“I was playing the victim instead of the victor I wanted to be.”

I stutter. Two simple words that even a five-year-old could say. But it took me about thirty-five years before I could say it to myself and to the world. However, once I did there was no turning back. I had made a decision that I would no longer play the victim role, that I would no longer wallow in self-pity, and that I would no longer allow other people’s remarks to crush me. Then over a period of time, I did what I once would not have dreamed possible not in a million years, I became a professional speaker.

Growing up in England, stuttering was a problem I carried with me everywhere I went. I was ridiculed in school. I avoided answering questions I knew the answers to, because of my fear of ridicule from the other kids and because I lacked the courage to try and speak up for myself. I became withdrawn. People mistook my stuttering and consequent withdrawal as signs of lower intelligence, not as a disability as it is recognized to be today. It took an enormous toll on my confidence and self-esteem.

Adults were often no different. Growing up, even they did not realize my struggles with routine daily activities that they took for granted. Things like making a simple phone call or getting change in a bank were nightmares for me. Going out to a restaurant and ordering a meal was a nerve-wracking experience. If I was taking a girl out to dinner I would start thinking about how I would order three days in advance in an attempt to avoid the inevitable humiliation. I tried very hard to hide my problem, generally unsuccessfully.

I had taken speech therapy for years and while my speech improved slightly, it hardly made a dent in the stresses I felt. People would laugh and hurl insults at me if I held them up in line like at the grocery store or purchasing tickets for a train or an event. I endured verbal abuse like, “You should be ashamed of yourself.” “You are a freak.” “Get on with it. What’s your problem?” I don’t hold it against them, they had no idea of how hurtful or inappropriate their words were, but I certainly felt different than everybody else. I was so ashamed of myself. The more I attempted to control my stuttering, the worse it got. I grew up carrying my shame with me wherever I went.

As a career, I chose hairdressing, or should I say, it chose me, a career where listening and artistic talent was valued more than talking. To begin with, I was fortunate enough to have been given an opportunity with the world famous Vidal Sassoon Company where I learned so much about business and life. I then went on to own and operate my own hair salons in Manchester, England for a number of years. While my stuttering still affected me, there was some improvement for a time. However, in my mid-thirties my speech started degenerating again. It came to a point where I began to avoid answering the phone. I coughed when I spoke, to cover up my hesitation or inability to speak. I chose my words very carefully so as not to embarrass myself. Life was hard enough, but this behaviour was exhausting me. I was bitter and angry, and my self-esteem was at an all time low.

I was suffering from pain, shame, rejection and humiliation, and now I became seriously depressed. I wallowed in self-pity, and took all that pain out on the people who loved me. I didn’t like myself much. I was the victim instead of the victor I wanted to be. I felt sorry for myself instead of taking responsibility for what I knew I had to do. I thought of drowning my sorrows in alcohol. I even contemplated suicide.

One day something inside me caused me to finally look in the mirror and convince myself that I had to do something about my speech. This meant accepting responsibility and doing something about my stuttering that was mentally, emotionally and physically destroying me.

Interestingly, around that time, call it fate if you would like, while channel surfing on the television, I saw a documentary program about a course in Scotland for people who stutter, put on by Andrew Bell. What I witnessed on that documentary was astounding. People with stutters even more severe than mine, being able to speak relatively fluently. I wrote a letter to the BBC requesting the address and phone number for Mr. Bell. Because of its popularity, the next course I could register for was a long twelve months away.

I immediately signed up, but because of my fear of facing my speech demons, I cancelled and rebooked twice before finally finding the nerve to go through with it. I was waiting for someone else to save me, to come along with that quick fix or magic bullet to make all my problems go away. The truth is there is no easy way. People had reached out to me before, but I knew that I alone had to take the first step. Finally I took that step, and I attended the course eighteen months after I first saw the program.

I remember lining up at the train station, in my home city of Manchester, England, on the way to the course. I kept rehearsing what I would say at the ticket office, “A one way ticket to Edinburgh, Scotland please.” Over and over again I rehearsed but, despite all that work, when I got up to the ticket wicket, I just froze. I couldn’t get anything out of my mouth. I felt the pressure from the people behind me in line. And then they started. “Get on with it you freak,” “Get on with it,” came the taunts. My gut was in my throat. I couldn’t speak. I turned red with embarrassment. I stammered out a broken apology for my stuttering, quickly wrote out my destination on a piece of paper and handed it to the ticket agent.

When I got out of line I breathed a sigh of relief. I gathered myself and turned around to face my tormentors, the people still in line. I said to myself, “Never again will I be humiliated like that.” I carried that thought with me for the whole seven-hour trip to Scotland. That was a DEFINING MOMENT for me. I still have that train ticket in my office. It is worn and tattered now, yet it is very significant to me.

When I got to the course the hardest thing I ever had to do was to stand up and admit to everyone else: “I NEED HELP.” I had to first accept I had a problem before I could start fixing it. Mr. Bell conducted a very strict course, and I needed that guidance and focus. I discovered that stutterers are people who generally want to please everybody, probably because of low self-esteem or inability to articulate otherwise. I learned I had to become a little selfish and I found out that was okay. Mr. Bell told us we had to convince ourselves that we had a new way of speaking. He taught us to be confident, to face our demons and to believe in ourselves. He inspired me greatly. One of the first affirmations we learned on the course was, “I am the most important person in my life.” I learned that if I didn’t like and respect myself first, how could I expect other people to like and respect me? If other people were uncomfortable with my new voice, that was tough.

Recognizing this did a lot to raise my self-esteem, and knowing that Mr. Bell believed in each and every one of us on his course, and that we could personally contact him at any time, kept me going over the weeks to come.

Those were tough weeks, but it was also a transformational period for me. I learned a lot about myself in those sometimes dark moments. But I never, for a moment this time, felt like quitting or blaming other people. There was no going back this time; no failing. Very slowly, I began to improve. I left the course with a new way of speaking; strange, slow and very protracted, however if I concentrated, it was virtually stutter free. That was amazing to me and a real confidence booster.

The hard work really began when I left the safe confines of Andrew Bell’s course. As I headed back to the real world, I knew I was going to be challenged. I would have to actually use the techniques I had just learned and draw on all my strength and determination to stick with it. Over the next few years I took two steps forward and one step back, but I stuck to Mr. Bell’s plan religiously. I was very motivated and disciplined, I had made my decision to work on it, and I was going to make it happen. There was no going back. I was no longer going to be the victim, but rather the victor I wanted to be.

To support my efforts, I joined a local drama club. I began reading motivational and goal-setting books instead of just the soccer scores at the back of the newspaper. I was now so focused on improving my speech that other people’s looks and abrasive comments didn’t affect me as much. I finally had a direction. I knew where I was going and I was not going to let anyone stop me from walking in my path. I also surrounded myself with very positive people who supported what I was doing and I stayed away from negative people at all costs – the “dream stealers” as I call them now.

This was a very important decision on my part. Another pivotal point during that time was being prepared to talk about the elephant standing in the middle of the room (a.k.a. my speech). For years my speech was a topic that was avoided by both my family and friends. Everyone knew it was there, but they and I had strangely chosen to never talk about it. That changed after my time with Andrew Bell. I started talking to my friends and family about my stuttering and disability, and the steps I was taking to work on it.

Admitting that I had a disability, and telling them I was working on a method to control my stuttering, was probably one of the hardest things I had ever had to do. I told them to expect my speech to sound slower and more mechanical, and I asked for their understanding and support. I had spent a good part of my life trying to hide the problem, and now I was asking for help and support. The impact on my longer term success and sense of self-esteem was noticeable.

In 1990, with my speech generally under control, I came to Canada. To challenge myself, I took a sales job in the hair products industry with a large corporation called Nexus. Part of my job was to educate hair stylists about our products. In sales I experienced incredible success, growing my territory by over 346% and managing my speech challenges every day. Within a few years I was promoted to Ontario district manager with new responsibilities including training new sales reps. By working in sales I started to become the person I knew I always could be.

Meanwhile, I had found a new skill, giving presentations. This started with the educational seminars to the salon employees and training of the sales representatives. I soon realized I was good at it. I joined an international speaking group called Toastmasters. It was an excellent training ground and challenged me even further. Soon I was speaking quite frequently. Here I was a stutterer giving speeches. It seemed ridiculous, but I was doing it. Stuttering groups began to ask me to come and share my story with them, and the media picked up the story of how a stutterer was giving speeches.

My impact in these presentations caused me to become intrigued by the speaking industry, and the skills and techniques of professional speakers. In 1996 I recognized the need to challenge my speech further.

I began to focus on those professional speakers as a way to encourage me to continue learning and growing or else I’d risk slipping back into a comfort zone and stagnating. In this vein, I went to a couple of meetings held by The Canadian Association of Professional Speakers (CAPS) and shortly thereafter I joined. Throwing myself into that organization, I volunteered on a program committee and began attending speaking conferences. I was now rubbing shoulders with famous speakers.

In 2001 I sat down with my wife to discuss my dreams and my future. At the time we had one child, my wife had a full time job, and we had some savings, but I also knew that to become successful as a speaker I had to commit to it a hundred per cent. She was very supportive and believed in me. Together we decided that I should give speaking my full focus, at least for a time, and pursue my dream. With that, I gave notice to my employer, leaving a fifty- to sixty-hour a week executive position, not to mention a very good salary.

Professional speaking is a business. Many people approach it like a hobby, but it is a serious business. As with everything I take on, I was not interested in becoming an average speaker. When I do something I want to rise to the very top of whatever profession I am in. That is just the way I am.

In the beginning, I had no clients and few leads but I believed in myself. I also had support from my wife and some wonderful people from the speaking community who believed in me. Those first couple of years were tough, very tough. I struggled financially, but my public speaking skills were slowly improving. I went for coaching and attended training seminars, but most of all I sought out every opportunity to speak.

Now, six years later, I have made a successful career for myself as a speaker and a best-selling author. I will always have a speech challenge because there is no cure for stuttering, however, that probably makes me appear more real and genuine to my audiences.

People tell me they find encouragement, inspiration and hope from my story and the message that I deliver in my presentations. This gives me a tremendous sense of satisfaction and a sense of giving something of myself to others. I am humbled by the privilege of being able to speak to people, but I also frequently have the privilege of listening to others share their personal struggles with me. As a professional speaker, I have also, ironically, become a better listener. One of the problems I had when I was wallowing in self-pity was that I could only see my own pain. I was only focused on me and my problems. Today, I have a broader view of the world and deeper empathy for others. This shift in me has also helped my business. As Zig Ziglar says, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”

I’ve learned to control my speech instead of having my speech control me. My speech used to control my life – where I went and what I did. Now it no longer stops me from doing anything. I used to portray myself as a victim, and that made me feel awful. For years I sold myself short because I never believed I could do what I wanted to do. Now I am the victor but I don’t feel arrogant. Having come so far makes me appreciate everything I have in life. Every day is a blessing for me. Every time I step off the stage I have to pinch myself to remind myself I am not dreaming. I know when we have the courage to dream and the commitment to succeed, a whole new world of opportunity opens up for us.

Sam Gerstein – Business Coach - Comments

Asking for help was the hardest thing for me to do.

Charles was a very good hairdresser. He pushed himself and paid the price to succeed in the Vidal Sassoon industry. That was not easy. He took courses and received a lot of help and training. He got support. He learned from the best. He did what was necessary to succeed at work. But at that time he just didn’t have the strength to pay the price with his speech impediment.

He took pride in being an independent person. But was he? Is anyone truly independent? There is no such thing as a self- made man or woman. It’s a fallacy. Show me a successful person at the top of his or her industry and I’ll show you someone who got a lot of help. It might not have been formal help but they had assistance. They asked questions, they received advice, they paid for expert support.

To become a successful hairdresser, Charles received a tremendous amount of teaching, support and assistance. But for thirty-five years he had blinders on when it came to being successful with his own speech challenge.

Things turned around for him when he started to openly ask for help. It was probably the hardest thing for him to do. To ask for help means you actually need help. You are admitting you actually have a problem. It took him thirty-five years to admit he had a problem. Once he did, he asked for help, and the world opened up for him.

The truth is people generally want to help you. The biggest fear people have is if they ask for help, they will be denied. That is not what I have found personally, or professionally. Think of how you feel when someone turns to you and says, “I need your help.” How did that make you feel right now when you read that sentence? Here is another secret: We live in an inter-dependent world. We want to be needed. It feels good for the giver to help.

When you ask for help, you are actually doing someone a favour by allowing them an outlet to express that need of giving. In this way, the giver benefits.

The receiver benefits in three ways. He/she receives the help and in turn will be eager to give to others. Others who receive that help will pass the favour forward to even more people. And so the “virtuous cycle” continues.

Where have you needed help but have avoided asking for it? Who can you ask now? Do it. You’ll be doing both of you a favour.

Susan Regenstreif

Music Specialist and Teacher

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”

Eleanor Roosevelt

“But when you are FAT, you always think you’re FAT. So I thought I was FAT.”

As a little girl I loved to sing songs from musicals, and dance around in my basement. I participated in musicals and plays at school, camp and synagogue. I always just seemed to have a natural interest in music. So you think I smoothly and easily flowed into a career in music? Not! I had some big issues to overcome first.

Music wasn’t my only love. I also thought about becoming a veterinarian because I had a soft spot in my heart for animals. As a child I would bring stray animals home and care for them. There was only one problem – I couldn’t stand the sight of blood! While I was at McGill University in Montreal I worked at The Jewish General Hospital as a nurse’s aid. When I saw critically ill people I would become dizzy and nauseous. That plan would obviously not work.

I studied music in high school. From there I went into a CEGEP (Collège d'enseignement général et professionel or in English, general and professional education college) academic diploma program, which had a music program in Montreal. At McGill I majored in piano and voice. I sang opera and did so well I received several bursary scholarships to attend performing arts schools in Banff, Aspen, and Toronto. I still had to audition, but eventually I was able to take advantage of all three opportunities. While I was in Banff, I performed at Lake Louise and at The Calgary Stampede. The following summer I received another scholarship, which paid my way to study in Aspen, Colorado.

However, despite all this talent, I had a problem. As I child I had been overweight, and back then obesity was a stigma of inferiority. I was constantly ridiculed about it. In time I internalized these criticisms to mean I wasn’t good enough. It made me not only self-conscious about my appearance, but I began to doubt myself in other areas of my life, like my musical talent.

Now, as an adult, I was unable to shake my Achilles heel. I was doing what I loved, yet I was burdened with feelings of not being good enough.

This issue had a serious effect on my musical career. My opera directors in Banff often told me I had a pretty face; I would look great if only I could lose the weight. They told me I looked like a potato sack in my dresses.

Auditioning was tough. I remember once getting dressed for an audition, and choosing something I thought I looked good in – a one- piece jump suit. But when you are FAT, you always think you’re FAT. So I thought I was FAT. When I walked on stage my mind was preoccupied with my looks, and I was too nervous. I was not comfortable with my body, and all I could think about was how FAT I was. I didn’t do well, and I knew it. The negative self-image I developed in childhood was continuing to haunt me as an adult, and my self-doubt sabotaged my performance.

Needless to say I didn’t get the part, and I was devastated. I began thinking maybe opera wasn’t for me after all. Maybe I should just stop. I was constantly being judged, and the level I had to reach to be accepted was just too high for my low self-image. Ultimately I found opera to be too adjudicating. There were always critics, panels, teachers and evaluations. The burden of rules stifled my creativity, and I felt I couldn’t express myself freely.

The final push that resulted in my exit from opera was my realization of what I was becoming. I was a performer, and I had always thought that was my dream. I thought I wanted to be a star. However, I found myself becoming totally self-absorbed, and selfish. Everything I did during that time all began to relate to how it would affect my opera performances. Will this activity make me too tired? Will that experience affect my voice? It began affecting my relationships. I could see what I was becoming, and I didn’t like it.

I have a special bond with children – maybe because I’m a kid at heart. So I left performing and went back to McGill and studied music therapy for children.

When I graduated, I started teaching piano to individuals. The good thing was there were no start-up costs. I was building my teaching skills, and my students benefited from my diverse musical background. My husband supported my entrepreneurial endeavor, and I got very positive feedback. But I soon realized this was not my passion. It was just a way to bring in some income. I really needed something more creative.

I wanted to develop a program that would boost children’s confidence and allow them to express themselves freely. I started by researching children’s music, and then I began creating my own material. I knew from personal experience that talent was not enough. Self-confidence was just as important, if not more important, than being good at something. If I could get children to feel comfortable in their bodies I reasoned, they would feel better about themselves.

Rhythm became the foundation of my program. I knew I wanted to do it in a group setting, because I really enjoy working with groups. There is a blend of entertaining and educating that takes place that I have a real affinity for. I find that learning is much more successful when the process is enjoyable.

When my own children got older, the after-school piano lessons began to conflict with their needs. I needed to work during the day, so I began approaching local schools and offering to teach my program. All of the musical scholarships I received at McGill gave me the confidence I needed in my new undertaking, and I was positive it was going to work. I didn’t even have a back up plan in case I failed. Failure was not an option, and it didn’t even enter my mind.

At the same time, I’m a perfectionist and never completely satisfied with my work. Artists can always make their product better, and that need creates self-doubt in my mind. I used that self-doubt to drive me to study more, and continuously improve my program. It’s a paradox. On one hand I was positive I was going to succeed; on the other I feared not being good enough. The combination kept me motivated.

Once I began to market myself, the news spread by word-of- mouth and local schools began calling me to work for them. Camps became interested in my program. At one camp I used music as therapy to help autistic children. The counselors and parents noticed that music had a definite calming effect on the kids. It became a method of communication able to cross the barriers of normal language, and I found it so gratifying to be able help children that way.

Over the years, while creatively developing my children’s musical program, I have found that I have developed too. An example occurred not long ago. I had just finished a successful session of music for young children, when the parents who had hired me told me it was not what they wanted. Their vision had included more props and musical instruments. I experienced them as very critical in the way they communicated their message to me. I was hurt, and I felt angry and upset with them for telling me how to run my class. My opinion was they were naïve and ignorant of what I was doing musically for their children. I eventually realized they didn’t have the musical background to understand all the subtle benefits of my program. All they could see was a lack of props and instruments. But that was their reality.

What did I do? I regrouped. Even though I was then a size eight, criticisms about my work sometimes still brought up old self-image wounds. But I didn’t allow these criticisms to shut me down and cause me to retreat inside and hide. Instead, I looked at the situation from my client’s perspective and incorporated their suggestions into my program. It would still work. I understood I could be flexible, adapt to a new situation, and still maintain my integrity in sticking with my principles. I learned a difference of opinion isn’t necessarily a personal rejection. That was so liberating.

It was also freeing to accept that I can’t please everyone. As I matured, I began to accept my imperfections and myself. Trying to change who I am to please others is more of a reflection of my own self-esteem, than it is about the people doing the criticizing.

I can now laugh at most criticisms. Some people remark that I bounce around a lot while teaching children’s groups. There was a time when that remark might have devastated me, but now I find it amusing. Giving others permission to disagree with me and not fall apart, is an indication of how much I’ve grown in my confidence. A key to enjoying my work has been in my gradual acceptance of my total self with all my imperfections.

By releasing the entrepreneurial spirit within me, I also released my need to be perfect. Even if I had overcome my self-doubt earlier I believe I still would have felt too stifled in opera. I’m a very creative person who likes to play like a child and move around a lot, and that’s why I’m so comfortable around children. When I took the focus off of myself and put it onto the children, I began to relax. My energy level rose, and the children had more fun. This career fits me perfectly, which is in direct contrast to the one-piece jump suit I wore for that opera audition.

Sam Gerstein – Business Coach - Comments

Overcoming yourself as an obstacle.

Often the biggest obstacle to doing what you love will be you. So many things we name as obstacles are really just challenges we can walk around. Why are some people able to move around them while others get stuck? It all links back to our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. If you see yourself as a competent, confident person, you will take action to make that vision a reality. If you see the world as an encouraging, helpful place, you will seek help and get it.

If you think you don’t deserve to be successful or happy, you will find a way to fulfill that prophecy. If you think the world is a scary place and people are out to get you, you will find a way to make yourself right. Frank Lloyd Wright, the great American architect said, “The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen.” By making our outer lives like the inner ways we see the world, we remain congruent. It makes sense and we go on with our lives thinking all is as it should be. It doesn’t matter if we are suffering. If our outer world matches our inner world we think that is all we can do.

But what if your inner image is wrong? What if what you were taught to believe about yourself or the world was not true? Wouldn’t this change your view of what’s possible? Wouldn’t it make you doubt some of your limitations, which heretofore you have unquestionably accepted?

Susan was made to believe she was inferior because she was overweight. The truth of that statement is immaterial. What matters is Susan believed it and internalized it, and that became her reality. No amount of proof could change her mind. Look at the evidence she could have used to counter that claim: She had excelled in music throughout her school years. She had won awards in music. She received scholarships from three different performing arts schools, and was further taught by some of the best in the business. Yet when she auditioned, she could only think of how fat she was.

She may have left opera to keep her outer world – people criticizing her in auditions in a closely judged art form – and her inner world of self-doubt, consistent. Changing her self-image earlier may have changed her career direction. Conversely, she might have left because opera was too constraining for her creative, energetic self. That’s not the point. The point is how powerful your self-image is.

What things about yourself have you allowed to stop you from doing what you want? What life-long beliefs that you hold about yourself or about the world may be wrong? If you want to look at one of the biggest obstacles in your life, start by examining yourself and your belief systems.

Elaine Overholt

Vocal Coach and Singer

“I think there is something, more important than believing: Action! The world is full of dreamers, there aren't enough who will move ahead and begin to take concrete steps to actualize their vision.”

W. Clement Stone

“I knew my talent was music. Bigger than my dream of music was my dream of affecting people in a positive way.”

There was never any question what my talent was as I was growing up. I had so many affirmations in my life that validated my musical talent. When I sang my first solo in church at the age of three, I forgot the words and everyone laughed – probably because I was so darned cute. I’ve often said I’ve spent the rest of my life trying to get it right.

I grew up in Woodstock, Ontario, in a middle class family. From an early age I had a good ear and a passion for music, and I am so thankful to my parents for supporting it. Somehow they always found the money for my piano lessons because they knew how much I loved it.

I started playing piano when I was four, and practiced from two to four hours every day after school. I didn’t like it much because I was a very social child, and sitting in front of a piano is a solo endeavor. But as time passed I got better, and when I was around eight I suddenly began to hear the beauty of the music. It all came together for me then; it was exhilarating and I became very motivated. I realized then I had to do the work to get the rewards. It’s like I tell my students, “Singing is like being an Olympic vocal athlete. You’ve got to put in the time.”

From age eleven to thirteen I won all the senior piano Rose Bowls in my town, and I was always the piano player for the school choir. At fourteen I began teaching piano. In high school I formed a musical group and we toured on weekends. Some would say I was a bit of a child prodigy; I certainly knew I had a talent for music. I found easy success with anything I put my fingers or my voice to. My passion found me at an early age.

All this might lead you to believe I was one of the lucky ones. The truth is I never felt I was good enough, and was constantly striving to prove my value to the world. It’s ironic – I never felt fully confident in my musical abilities, notwithstanding all the external awards and accolades I received. I just hoped that feeling would disappear with age.

After high school I took a year off and toured the country with a gospel group. I spent the summer in Banff at the School of Fine Arts. While there, I got a lead from a Barbadian man that resulted in me doing a piano tour of Barbados. When I returned, I enrolled at the University of Western Ontario as a piano performance major, but graduated with an Honours Bachelor ’s of Music in voice performance. Somewhere during my time at university I realized my passion was more in my voice than my fingers.

I wanted to be a star, but starting out I had to pay the bills. In 1975 I got a job as a production assistant at a Toronto recording studio, and did that for a year. To supplement my income, I taught. Then I became a full-time session singer doing jingles for large corporations like McDonald’s, Coca Cola and beer companies. Whenever an American commercial was brought across the border it had to be redone using Canadian talent. That money was great while the gigs lasted but it never occurred to me to stash it away or that making money would not always be this easy.

I spent the 1980s doing jingles, performing in clubs, doing R & B and Gospel concerts, and coaching pop and theatre singers. Performing in nightclubs six evenings a week helped me build vocal cords of iron. Then NAFTA was signed, and my little goldmine of jingles dried up.

Perhaps this sudden lack of money necessitated the emergence of my truly creative artistic side. This included singing backup for artists like Ray Charles, Tina Turner, Anne Murray and Chubby Checker. I performed internationally and sang for dignitaries like the former Prime Minister of Canada, the Right Honourable Pierre Elliot Trudeau. And I started to write songs.

Despite all my successes, my biggest challenge has been overcoming my feelings of inferiority. I suffered terribly from it, almost to the point of backing away from doing a certain project. I feared that my musical expressions and/or my public instructional methods would be mocked by those in the know. As a child, my older brother had really teased me for not being smart enough and it had gone in deep. I was afraid of being called stupid. I knew I was talented in music. I just never felt adequate intellectually.

This has been a lifelong battle that improves every day. But music was what I knew I was supposed to be doing, so I just went ahead and did it. It was a God given gift that I wasn’t about to squander. There is something within me that keeps stepping over my fears into action.

Feeling inferior has made me sensitive. Once I was given a bad review in the Toronto Sun and I felt like a kid who had been slapped in the face. I cried a lot and got depressed for a couple of days. But then I asked myself, “What can I learn from this?” I’ve somehow always been able to do that. I’ve learned to pick myself up, dust myself off and keep going. I told myself it was just one person’s opinion – one person didn’t like me. On the other hand, I had to admit he was right about some things, such as my choice of material. That prompted me to take action to change what I could change, and then I moved on.

Creating beautiful music is addictive, and those special moments are few and far between. Each one is an emotional high, and once I had experienced it, I wanted to experience it again. It’s like creating a baby. It comes from within and it’s a magical moment when it happens.

My first album was released in 1978, and it got some radio airplay. I was flown first class across Canada to do TV shows like The Tommy Hunter Show and the Bobby Vinton Show, and I starred along with The Fifth Dimension in Edmonton. It was all glamorous and fun and I was living the high life. I was on my way to the top – or so I thought.

When I returned home, reality quickly set in. My manager had booked me to play in a little Toronto restaurant. Only four people showed up, and I was upset. I thought I was above that. I thought I was going somewhere, and it was below me to sing for only four people. Didn’t my manager see my newfound lofty status in the music world?

When my manager came backstage he swiftly brought me back to earth. He said, “Elaine, you think you’re such hot stuff, but you don’t know what performing is all about. Performing is putting out the same effort for two people as you would for two thousand.” And he was right.

It was a good lesson for me, and a wake up call. I had to decide – was I in it for the glitz and glamour or was it truly my passion? I realized then that I really love what I do. The fleeting brush with fame and glamour had briefly carried me away. I was young and impressionable and it was a great ride.

My marriage ended in 1992, and when I became a single parent I stopped performing in the evenings in order to be with my daughter. The divorce was tough on me financially and emotionally. I received no spousal support, and I had to give half of my retirement savings from my jingles to my ex-husband. I’ve gone through many lean years. In the entertainment business you are only as good as your last DVD or CD. The fear around money is always present, and it can affect your health if you dwell on it. Still, I was determined to stay in the music business and be a good mother.

I took on a variety of jobs along the way – some of which weren’t ideal, but I was a single mother and I needed the money. I’ve never compromised my ideals. I always came back to music. But even bigger than my dream of music was my dream of being able to affect people in a positive way. During my career I’d heard so many stories of people who were told when they were young they couldn’t sing, and had given up on their dream. I wanted to make a difference, and I knew that I could. I decided I would help other vocalists, and my religious Evangelical background played a role in my new passion for coaching. If this was to become my focus, I wanted to give it my full attention and make it special.

I started by treating this new part of my career as an art form, the way I approach most projects. I have a need to look for the absolutely most ultimate approach to whatever I do, and that search can be both exhausting and exhilarating. Even as a teenager I approached my job at a Harvey Woods underwear factory that way; I didn’t care for it, but I wanted to give it my best. It’s my creative side that continually wants to leap out from within.

Almost every week I get a call from someone whose voice is shaking with anxiety. They tell me they’ve always wanted to do this, but they were so nervous about calling me. Then they tell me a story that sounds something like this: “When I was six my father told me to stop singing. He said I sounded awful. I listened and stopped singing, and I am here because I think he was wrong. Can you help me?” When I hear that I just melt. That person could be the worst singer in the world, and I’ll still take them on. I really want to honour that person’s desire to explore herself.

Because of the negative message I received when I was young, I can really empathize with my students. I am able to help them act on their dream in spite of their feelings. That’s what I did in my own life, so I know that when you do, the feelings of inferiority diminish. People ask me, “Can anybody sing?” I say, “Yes, and everybody should sing!” Singing is a very deep form of expression, even if you just sing for yourself.

I love helping uncover the voices of people who have a passion for singing, and for those who just want to be able to express themselves better. I have heard, lived and breathed music from the depths of my soul through my own performances, and to me there is nothing more exciting than helping someone unlock their hidden voice. That voice is not just about the outer voice, it’s also about their inner voice. I have found the physical voice is often an obstacle for many people. So many people want to break out into song at a party, but they stop themselves. I want to free their voice and give it sound.

I’ve had many highs in my career – from singing backup for some great artists, to performing in front of thousands of people, to being a vocal coach to the likes of Renée Zellweger, Catherine Zeta-Jones and Richard Gere for the movie, Chicago. In spite of all these accomplishments, I still have to deal with that small voice inside, reminding me of my failings. What I have learned is to turn down the volume of that voice, and simply carry on in the direction of my dream. With time, the voice gets quieter, but it never completely disappears.

Now I have realized another longtime dream – a DVD that features my singing techniques. The music industry is not usually kind to women as they get older, and in addition, the recording industry is in the worst shape ever because of pirating of DVDs. Despite all that, at fifty-one years young I am having my best year ever.

Sam Gerstein – Business Coach - Comments

What false story do you currently believe about yourself?

I’ve learned that it’s almost impossible to talk someone out of their false beliefs. All of the evidence was there for Elaine to see that she was not stupid; in fact, one could call her brilliant when you look at all the careers she has created for herself using her enormous musical talents. But alas, all that evidence would fall on deaf ears if you tried to sell Elaine on that theory.

We leave our childhood with a set of values and beliefs – and issues – that have been formed, and greatly influenced by our parents, caregivers and teachers. The best they could do was to pass along to us what they were taught by their influencers. And so on it goes back generations and generations – it has all been handed down.

Here is my question to you: What if a common theme that has been handed down to you is just wrong? Many families pass down values like they pass down their genes and their family photographs. They believe they are fact and must be accepted.

Here are just some of the beliefs that many people have adopted as fact:

• If you are uneducated you cannot be successful.

• Poor people can’t change their financial situation.

• Work has to be hard. If you enjoy it, it is not real work.

• Stop dreaming – this is the real world.

• Get a job with a good company and you’ll be set for life.

• Small businesses can’t compete with the big companies.

These statements – which represent beliefs – have all been proven false by the people interviewed for this book. If you’ve carried one or more of these beliefs around with you for your whole life, you can now free yourself. They are not truths – they are myths.

It’s important to remember they were not passed down with malice. The people who professed these beliefs thought they were true. And some were more true generations ago but today they just no longer apply. You now have a choice. You no longer have to carry the weight of these limitations like a chain around your neck. Once you know the truth, you can break free of them and adopt new beliefs. And by adopting a new belief, you can change your life.

People have come to Elaine believing that they had a bad voice, and could never sing. Elaine helps them see that their voice is merely undeveloped, and if they have a passion for music they can learn – she can teach them. Her success with these people speaks volumes to what can happen when you change your beliefs.

Elaine is gradually starting to believe in herself. What you need to notice is that she did not allow those self-doubts to stop her from pursuing her dream. If anything, it made her more determined than ever.

Conclusion

The people in this book are ordinary people whose passions and life purpose spurred them on to do extraordinary things. They had the courage to not only dream, but to do whatever it took to make that dream a reality. As a testament to my respect, I have used the services of people in this book and have happily referred them to my friends. You see, what I found was that these people who loved what they were doing were also really good at it. And I don’t think this was merely a coincidence. If you love what you do, you will have the passion and the interest and the motivation to continually learn and grow and improve. Researching your field will no longer be a laborious task just to get it done. Rather, it will be a labour of love. That is what I discovered when I undertook the task of writing this book. It became my labour of love, and my gift to you.

The tragedy of 9/11 caused many people to sit back and take stock of their lives. If life can end so suddenly, they are saying they want to do something worthwhile while they are on this ride called planet Earth. The bad news is that high work stress increases your risk for chronic pain, illnesses, heart disease, depression and premature death. No question. I am not telling you this to be a doomsayer. I am telling you this because I want you to wake up from your slumber.

The good news is that there is a flip-side: people who are satisfied with their careers and love what they do, live longer and are less prone to illness. And you can do something about it. We are not immortal. If you dislike what you are doing, start doing something else – today. There are steps you can take right now.

Ask yourself, “What was it I always wanted to do?” “What did I enjoy doing as a child?” Look into that course you always wanted to take. Turn off the TV and take a half-hour to dream of the possibilities. Write them down.

If you need assistance in this area, as most people do, I can help guide you so you can choose the best business for you. It has to be a good match for your unique passions, purpose and pure talents. It need not be a random guess. There is a method to doing this. First you must focus on “WHAT” you want to do before you focus on the money. Most people get this backwards, which is one of the major reasons why so many people are confused in understanding their own custom-fit business.

When you do choose right you will feel more confident, creative, connected to the work and an inner calm. What I am talking about is how you live your life on a day-to-day basis. What I learned from talking to hundreds of people who love their work, is that there is no better reward than being happy with what you are doing.

Find Your Own Custom-Fit Business

Dr. Sam Gerstein, Business Coach